On Metaphorical Ramparts

“Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.” These are the brilliant and truth drenched words advocated by the lovely Brené Brown. What of vulnerability? Haven’t we been conditioned to construct indestructible ramparts for emotional defense? We continue to exist only because of our barricades in place to prevent pain and failure from befalling us.

            As a young man, especially a man that valued stoicism for the majority of my life, you may find it odd that I’d be an advocate for the overwhelming benefits of showing vulnerability. You may find it queer that anyone would want to be vulnerable in the first place. Why show your faults and flaws? It’s much easier to put up walls and protect yourself from the world that seemingly wants to swallow you whole.

            
     Vulnerability is being susceptible to physical or emotional injury. Being vulnerable is being susceptible to attack, or open to criticism. With the idea of survival in mind, it’s readily apparent the being susceptible to any kind of attack or injury is probably contradictive to the end goal. I argue that you aren’t truly living unless you show the world all of you, beautiful you. This includes the nasty bits and pieces of you that don’t inherently want to be cast bare under the tireless scrutiny of fellow man.

            
     This is nonsense, obviously. A castle that has visible flaws such as cracks in the outer wall or an unstable foundation is more likely to be sacked by the enemy, is it not? This is true, but man is not a fortress to be protected. Man is not designed to house impenetrable gates and vaults to safeguard his inner emotions and passions. The enemy may more easily access these treasures, but perhaps after allowing the “enemy” passage within your haven they will turn out to be allies. Perchance this apparent enemy is, in reality, a group of merchants bringing fine silks and linens to your keep.

            
      We speak of this nonsense again. The hordes of people outside the castle, your castle, are only out to rob you blind. They’re only out to take what you have by force. Enemies that want nothing more than watch your world burn. We ought to just barricade the gates and allow none passage to our realm. Then how do we grow? I speak not just in fictional kingdom metaphors, but in truthful individual realities. Only by allowing the rest of the world in, in both our made-up castle and our hearts, do we truly live. It is easy to survive; easy to exist, but to truly live is a different beast entirely.

           
     Without being exposed, without the willingness to be defenseless we cannot be authentic. An American poet May Sarton put it rather eloquently, “We have to dare to be ourselves, however freighting or strange that self may prove to be.” It is impossible to know who we truly are in life without being authentic. It is impossible to be truly authentic without the presence of vulnerability, without the lack of emotional safeguards and other preventions.

           
     Fallacy! Blasphemy! Heresy! If you allow every person to see your flaws you will most likely be labeled as a pariah. People will take advantage of you, use you up and spit you out. You will undoubtedly be taken for granted. You freely allow yourself to be used and abused. You open yourself to feel otherwise preventable pain and hardship. This is an unnecessary allowance that isn’t warranted to lead a full and long life.

          
     Rejection is an innate and always present fear for many of our species. The idea of rejection is forever persistent in our dealings with other people, as well as blaringly prevalent when we take personal inventory of ourselves. Our hopes and dreams, thoughts and actions, even gestures and God given genetics are vulnerable to rejection. Nothing is safe from rejection, nothing. However, rejection is not a bullet, not an unbeatable monster, not an unstoppable force. Overcoming rejection is absolutely the key to making the practice of vulnerability work.

            
     Facing and overcoming these demons is at the very core of what I’m alluding to. Without hardship, without challenge, we do not improve. Sitting alone inside our throne room, closed off to the rest of the hurtful world, we do not flourish. We do not develop ourselves or the world around us; we do not live. Without interaction, true meaningful interaction, we do not begin to fathom what it means to be alive. Without rejection we cannot grasp what it means to be one of the many vulnerable, brilliant, and beautiful souls thriving amongst the throng of life.

            
     Allowing other’s into your so-called “throne room” opens you up to assassination attempts. You are allowing spies to steel their place within your court; the chance of sabotage rises drastically. Would-be dissenters and mutineers can study your weaknesses and plan their attack. You are giving fuel to the enemy and hamstringing yourself for the inevitable battle ahead.

            
     “If you know the enemy and know yourself you need not fear the results of a hundred battles,” wrote Sun Tzu, the philosopher and Chinese general. Yes, life can be viewed as a battle; it certainly isn’t always easy. You would be hard pressed to find a philosopher or deep thinking individual, let alone average person persuade you otherwise. This being said, without battles there are no victories. Without victories there exists no defeat. Defeat may indeed be inevitable, but only if your perception allows it.

           
     In opening yourself to possible enemies, in allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you also open yourself to unquantifiable depths of love and friendship. I can personally testify that I had not truly lived until I shed my stone-cold stoic demeanor and allowed people to see who I really am. No, you will not be able to cast yourself bare just by waking up one morning and deciding to do so, but that is the first step to take. 

You will be rejected. 
You will be outcast. 
You will be hurt and disgraced.

You will be loved, cherished, admired. 
You will show courage, leading the way for others to be vulnerable. 
You will test your mettle and find it superior. 
Most importantly, you will have lived life.

Blue? Writing About Nothing.

What does it mean to stand on the sideline? I do not know.

 Is it a noble pursuit to allow another player on this blue spinny sphere to take a glory in your stead?

I believe it is.

...but then what is glory anyway? Is it even worth working towards?

Glory, and the pursuit thereof, is for the shallow. Accolades, trophies, achievements, laurels, these don't matter. Then what does matter? What dictates and defines one man's idea of achievement over another? One soul's pursuit is another's pain.

I ramble.

This hypocritical writing and "deep" thinking is growing more pointless and tiresome it seems. Always asking questions, never providing any answers. It's nothing but some wanton mind spinning out of control in the late hours of the eventide.

This is only a practice in preoccupying my mind for just a moment. Staring at the ceiling with blank expression and only accompanied by the unrelenting barrage of thoughts, malicious and otherwise. Is this all just a practice in morbidly hilarious futility? Again, an answer I can not provide.

I focus on the blue LEDs of my keyboard. They're an easy and simple distraction of thought. An exercise in stretching my lexicon of color.

Azure, Navy, Sky, Indigo, Lapis Lazuli, Ultramarine, Neon, Cobalt, Cyan, Teal, Egyptian, Prussian, Cerulean, Something borrowed...

This color is sharply contrasted by the faint red hue of my alarm clock. It reads 12:38. I could list colors of red, but I'm bored of this exercise.

This is nothing but an effort in free writing. An attempt to empty the gray matter in my cranium. No point made, no wisdom gleamed. You've wasted your time here and for that I apologize.

However, you should try it sometime. Ink to page, so to speak.

Does it prevent the feeling of bleak isolation that comes from occupying a space alone? No. It's more akin to warming yourself with a flask of whiskey. It doesn't effect the cold in anyway, but it knows how it pretend like the best of thespians.