Monster

Whatever I try to do to get away from this, and to show who I am.. just fails.

I'm just labeled. You know what it's like, to go anywhere in Rapid City and have people talk down to you, or warn you? To work up my already dwindling self image only to have one word or evil glance just shatter it?

'You' isn't anyone particular, it's just a method of screaming into the void.

I'm not posting my thoughts for any agenda other than you try and write my mind down. I'm not looking for your pity or sympathy. I'm not looking for your guilt. 

You don't have to read these posts if they disturb you or if I'm too melodramatic or depressive. Know that this is a real illness; you can't just wave it away. You can't tell a cancer patient to stop having tumors, you can't will a broken arm to heal itself quickly.

I'm not a monster.

Why do I feel like a monster?

I tell myself I'm genuine and believe that I care for a lot of people.

Why do I feel like Frankenstein's abomination?

I'm already just holding on, barely in the fight anymore. Please stop throwing rocks at me.

I am begging you.

I'm judged from wayward word. I've tried not to say anything negative about anyone, friend or foe but like all humans I'm guilty of being a hypocrite.

I'm genuine.

I'm not false.

I'm not lying.

I'm not vying for attention.

I'm trying to come to terms that this is just a temporary sickness and fracture that I can mend. Every day it seems more and more that this is who I am. I am the mopey depressive. I am the cursed victim. Just minutes ago. I was on my knees; blurry-eyes and screaming at God. Screaming at him to just give me the strength to be selfish, and take matters into my own hands (so to speak.) I want to live life to live life, and for it not to feel like a chore every single day to keep breathing.