Monday, July 14, 2014

A Glaring Lack of Syntax

Only one thing lately seems to shut off the thoughts in my head, and that is currently no longer having its desired effect.

I blare hip hop, rap, pop in my headphones. Anything that has a string of nonsensical words and a predictable beat to follow. This is the only thing that kept my tormenting mind at bay. It used to be that

Every day I make a choice. The choice is always the same and it always comes up more than once in a single cycle of the sun.

Do I continue to exist?

I could just as easily stop this all, at the risk of sounding bleak. (Ha.)
Do I choose to wake up every morning and repeat this cycle, again and again? Is there some sort of future where I can find enjoyment in living without struggling for every minute of it.  Believe you me, I'm sick of being a downer too. Brett the proverbial wet blanket in every situation. 

This is a choice that every free-thinking man has on this bustling blue rock. For some this choice doesn't ever enter the picture. You are blessed.

This music is terrible.

All my mind lets me think of is my short-comings. The relationships I've failed at, the friendships I've fumbled, the opportunities wasted and squandered. How much time do I waste in any given day not living? I've said it before, and I still feel this way. This is not living, only existing---barely existing at that.

I don't consume food for the taste, it has none.
This loathsome music is just buzzing white noise now.

I lack the energy to finish a cognitive thought.
It's easy to reason, it's easy to say what I should be doing and that I won't end up dying an old hermit. However, I can't summon the strength to be anything but a burden to those who once cared about me, or perhaps still do. I shake, I convulse. I talk to myself more frequently, the probable conversation of a postulate madman.

I can't make any sense of this. I feel like ugly incarnate. I don't deserve your attention. I don't deserve anyone's attention. The glaring lack of self-worth running rampant through my brain. No matter how many positive comments I fabricate to describe myself, I count myself a liar.

How can I trust anything that I've ever felt or experienced? Have I ever even been in love? Do I know what loss is? If everything is so fragile and nothing can be rationalized in my mind, how does any of this make any sense? You don't have the answer, nobody has the answer. I don't know if I'm even a subject to this disease, maybe I'm just making this all up in some way or fashion.

I don't deserve to be in any sort of relationship.

Surrounded by people and yet I'm so unavoidably alone.

Note to self, work on syntax. Mental illness is no excuse for sloppy grammar.


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