Looks like what drives me crazy
Don't have no effect on you--
But I'm gonna keep on at it
Till it drives you crazy, too.”
-Langston Hughes
We should take a breather from the tale of the walk for a bit. I need to talk about a weird connection I have for a few paragraphs once again. Bear with me.
I don’t believe in a lot of silly things, but I do have a curious mind. Mankind just can’t explain everything there is with science. I don’t know if I’d go as far to say I believe in ghosts, or superpowers- but I believe that for every ten-thousand fake palm-readers out there, there has to be at least one that has true abilities. For every-ten thousand self-proclaimed psychics on the planet… there has to be that one; just one that can do something that borders on ridiculous. [9/3/2013: I poached this paragraph for an English paper that just happened to be related; it's not plagiarism if It's my own work right? Good.]
The reasons I say this is because since I’ve met her; I’ve had this connection I can’t shut off. My close friend Tyler asked me the other week if I believed in ‘astral-projection’ and that sort of fantastical tomfoolery. We weren’t drinking, but it was the kind of truthful conversation you can only have with very close friends, or when you’re inebriated to the point of wobbling.
Sitting there, an evening last week, I stared at the moon as we burned some old ruined furniture in the make-shift fire pit. The stars were just starting to peak out and a cool breeze pushed the long blades of glass back and forth. Something about a roaring fire under the starlit sky; coupled with Looking Glass Radio on Pandora creates this pure magic atmosphere. I’m not sure of the entire equation that adds up to create that ‘mood,’ but those things are... well... magic.
I’m getting off topic here. The conversation was enlightening. I was glad that someone I knew so well had experienced something sort of close to this kind of connection to someone else that I had been having. The feeling is supernatural. There’s no other way to put it in words. I don’t know if any of you have had that; but just knowing when I loved one was having a good time, thousands of miles away. Having a gnawing pit in the stomach when you, when I, feel like that other being is having a stressful day.
As of this typing this sentence, it’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve had any sort of interaction with this person. And every day I fight with my brain in the morning about this ‘connection.’ Feels like I’m being haunted by a non-frightening ghost.
Sensible? Not one iota. The first thing in the morning that brings a smile to my face is remembering that terrifically intoxicating laugh, those hauntingly beautiful eyes. Those thoughts spin around me, in a good way. Every morning, every single morning, my eyes slowly open and I smile. The first thought it always good in my mind, but it also means I’m still fucking nuts. Is this is realizing that my heart still works? If so that’s a reason to smile I think.
The difference between now and months ago, is I finally accept it. There is no more trying to sever that tie. There was a time where the first half hour of the day was spent disregarding this feeling; telling myself that it was stupid and irrational and served no purpose. I just accept it now as part of who I am. Out of the millions of little pieces in my body and soul containing parts of what make up Brett Steven Hamre… one bit will always be that.
You’d think after following all the ‘rules’ in the ‘book’ about getting over someone I’d feel less of something, but I don’t. Honestly, I don’t. Again, proving once more I’m meant for the isolating confines of one of those loony bins.
Continue to move forward Hamre. One step at a time.
In any case, back to the walk...
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