Breaking the Spirit

I just need a place to write down some selfish thoughts, without embellishment or stupid-ass quotes. Stupid meanings behind meanings or even proper grammar or punctuation. I just don't care right now.

Life sucks. I realize that I won't feel this way tomorrow, I realize that this moment is fleeting and will not persist.  

I may look back at this note and just delete it. I realize how childish and stupid this types of things are--- but this is part of the battle with depression and life. There isn't really any point in hiding your emotions or pretending you're stronger than you really are.

I can't be any more genuine than I already am. If you can't see that.. fuck you? I guess.

Today I let the black dog win, because I let my guard down. I truly truly let me guard down so that I could take a breather and rest. To just give in and let the punches through; sure there is temporary bruising but I can actually rest my mind. Let the hurt in.

I wonder if this is the last time I hit bottom before I give up. I wonder if this is finally it. Eventually everything runs out of juice; even persistant me. I can't tell for sure, but to be truthfully honest right now in this second-- I give up.

Check back with me later, but for now... I give up. I don't care. This is stupid. I am fully FULLY aware that what I type is childish and meaningless, self-centered drivel. Sometimes you just need an outlet and this has been mine as of late. 

An accumulation of what life has thrown my way has, ONCE again, made every second seem like an eternity and every breath wishing it was my last. I posted before that I knew I wasn't out of the tunnel yet, and probably will deal with this all my time on this blue rocky world. No amount of self-teaching, motivation, or prescription cocktail will ever cure me, it's just something I have to constantly work towards. 

I'm tired of it. 

Please don't post any positive responses; for right now- it's a waste of both your time and mine, I won't take them seriously and just want to stew for a while here. One man can only take so much torture before finally giving in. We all just have different pain thresholds. I passed mine a while ago. 

[EDIT not 24 hours later]: I'm over it, it's passed. Archiving this to remember the ups and downs.