Invidia is Latin for This

The lovesick, the betrayed, and the jealous all smell alike."
-Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

"Man is by nature competitive, combative, ambitious, jealous, envious, and vengeful."
-Arthur Keith

"Hunger, revenge, to sleep are petty foes,
But only death the jealous eyes can close."
-William Wycherley

 

There are three quotes for this note because I couldn't decide which one I liked best or made my synapses fire most fiercly. The definition of 'jealousy' that I like the most is listed third. I quote dictionary.com, "3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something." 

This is my most recent struggle or "battle" if you will. This is a new fight for me because I've never typically been a jealous man. I've always downplayed myself over other's talents with art or smarts or whatever; but never jealous of them. I've inherently been happy for co-workers or peers that have gotten promotions or accolades, 'deserved' or otherwise. Brett the adult has never been envious much of other's laurels. Usually when someone gets this kind of positive recognition, at least one other person thinks highly enough for them to deserve it. 

So, needless to say, it's strange. It's very strange to harbor such emotions or feelings for someone I've never truly even met. Insecurity? Absolutely. Abso-fucking-lutely. Pardon my French. This person should warrant absolutely not one spare or wanton thought from me; not worth wasting my energy on.

To be clear, I've always measured myself up against other people. It's a weakness of mine. Despite this I try not to feel entitled to things that I honestly haven't worked towards as hard as others. Let's face it: some people are just granted advantages out of the gate. This is life; deal with it. "QQ" as the internet would say. Cry some more.

Trying to deal with this terrible and annoying beast, this sneaky little malignant rascal of jealousy... is tiresome. The way this brain is wired; I can't let it go. I'm obsessive about things; mulling them over and over ad infinitum. My DNA includes instructions to be enthusiastic and devoted to things I deem worthwhile. I'm a geek after all. Passionate about it. 

I'm dancing around it, but you can obviously come to the conclusion on your own that this is all about a woman.The woman. It usually is when it comes to me.

Real original.

Continue to work at this; continue give it up and let it go.

...Attempting to anyway.