“Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward"...Ecclesiastes 9:9 ”I promise I'll finish 'Analog' soon enough; it's got a positive ending, but right now is time for this:
Bitter today. Very bitter. *The overall tone of this note will probably be pretty negative.
The world has finally broken me of trying to be altruistic; at least for the time being. Altruism does nothing but get you stepped on. It's in the nature of most people to take all they can get. I feel like a withered husk of a man. I've been sucked dry of all ambition and inspiration to continue to be a "good" person; tossed aside like yesterday's garbage.
There was a point where everyday I told myself that it's not about me, it's about leaving no negative impact on the world. That's all we can hope to do for our lives. However, this is a pipe-dream. Because even the best laid plans... blah blah blah. I can consider what I'm doing to be positive and good, but it can always be interpreted in a negative or self-serving light. Even the prettiest woman on the planet can be cast into the "ugly" misnomer by being the victim of poor lighting.
Every seemingly selfless act of sacrifice or kindness can be defined as the opposite, depending on how you look at it. I've been working my way through Ecclesiastes this week. Bit by bit I consume that scripture and let it resonate before consuming more. Initially, it's very pessimistic, but it becomes very instructive. It should be noted that I'm not a 'Bible person' in any sense of the meaning. The general theme of this particular Old Testament book is to describe the absolute vanity of the human experience.
Today I am drastically losing to this depression.
There was a point where everyday I told myself that it's not about me, it's about leaving no negative impact on the world. That's all we can hope to do for our lives. However, this is a pipe-dream. Because even the best laid plans... blah blah blah. I can consider what I'm doing to be positive and good, but it can always be interpreted in a negative or self-serving light. Even the prettiest woman on the planet can be cast into the "ugly" misnomer by being the victim of poor lighting.
Every seemingly selfless act of sacrifice or kindness can be defined as the opposite, depending on how you look at it. I've been working my way through Ecclesiastes this week. Bit by bit I consume that scripture and let it resonate before consuming more. Initially, it's very pessimistic, but it becomes very instructive. It should be noted that I'm not a 'Bible person' in any sense of the meaning. The general theme of this particular Old Testament book is to describe the absolute vanity of the human experience.
Today I am drastically losing to this depression.
This is my point. It is not possible to be 100% genuine all the time. Even Gandhi had selfish moments. There is a time for preservation and time for sacrifice. I'm not capable of giving all of myself all of the time, despite what I'd like to think. Despite the idea of the man I want to be, it's not just possible... and I realize that. I can't rid my mind of all the selfish thoughts. It is not possible for anyone to be that perfect. We are all flawed people. There is a subtle beauty to that statement. Perfection is not beautiful- despite what today's media will tell you about beauty and fashion.
Embracing the world's flaws and recognizing that they are indeed very much real is the only way to really plausibly exist. Nothing can be covered up with a fresh coat of paint or the most expensive make-up forever. Things fade, the world decays.
--Today also marks two weeks since I've said a word to her or looked up anything about her. Ultimately I continue to think about her as the one, unless I magically wake up one day with a new clarity or realization. That hasn't happened for about three years though, so I won't hold my breath. Waking up an old man and still kicking myself over the 'one that got away' is, well, something I just don't want to happen.
To sum up my bullshit for today (pardon the rambling):
True beauty exists when you recognize something for it's flaws and faults, and still manage to love it anyway. There is no perfection; save for some ideas in math I guess. I doodled in my math classes; so I wouldn't know for sure.
Embracing the world's flaws and recognizing that they are indeed very much real is the only way to really plausibly exist. Nothing can be covered up with a fresh coat of paint or the most expensive make-up forever. Things fade, the world decays.
--Today also marks two weeks since I've said a word to her or looked up anything about her. Ultimately I continue to think about her as the one, unless I magically wake up one day with a new clarity or realization. That hasn't happened for about three years though, so I won't hold my breath. Waking up an old man and still kicking myself over the 'one that got away' is, well, something I just don't want to happen.
To sum up my bullshit for today (pardon the rambling):
True beauty exists when you recognize something for it's flaws and faults, and still manage to love it anyway. There is no perfection; save for some ideas in math I guess. I doodled in my math classes; so I wouldn't know for sure.
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