July 2nd, 2013

"No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."                                                                                            -Albert Einstein

Today I'm getting beaten. 

Today... today...sucks.

It's not for any particular reason. Nothing eventful happened to me. 

I worked on the newly purchased truck, listened to some Mental Illness Happy Hour, worked out. There was a moment of respite from this onslaught earlier today. A moment I felt like a full fledged adult. A moment when my lungs hurt from working out, my muscles sore. Just feeling.. alive. Feeling alive for the first time in a long time. Don't take that feeling for granted. Take a minute and look outside. Rain or shine, snow or sun, life is beautiful. I can see that. I know that. I just want feel that. If that makes any sense.

For the first time in a long time I seriously thought about a future earlier today. Maybe taking psychology classes, joining the Marines, doing something - anything.

A future? Me? Unthinkable. 

Now I'm currently in the 'Brett-won't-make-it-until-his-next-birthday Camp'. Earlier today I could feel the hot sun beating on my neck; working with my hands. I could feel the dusty film on my hands. I could feel the warm water from the garden hose on my ankles and feet. I can't grasp that feeling again. It's fleeting. It's elusive. 

These thoughts running through my head like un-exorcized demons, unwanted foul guests. Running circles around my skull, destroying the fine china; ripping the fine linens to shreds. Go away! This is why we can't have nice things. Desperately I fling around holy water; I scrawl quick crucifixes in the air! Go away!

I had a great conversation with a friend today. A friend that went through a similar situation, that I had no idea about. His story was touching, and had a silver lining. This gave me hope for a while. I really appreciated this.

Hope? Super cliché Hamre. 

No really, hope. Hope that I could have a happy ending? Why can't I have one? Don't I deserve one?  There are nearly seven billion people on this spinning blue rock. Why do I feel so damn alone? I can't be the only one thinking about this kinda stuff. I can't be the only one struggling to just feel alive. "That's not true. That's IMPOSSIBLE!" Mark Hamill would say. In fact I know I'm not the only one. There is proof that I'm not the only one. My brain and rational thinking tells me, "Hey Brett, you're not the only one.. bro." Why does it feel like I'm the only one?

I go to bed every night earlier and earlier. Life goes on for everyone I've crossed paths with. I'm not a necessary cog in the machine. I feel like a doodad that sits in the miscellaneous junk drawer. I'm here for a reason, but I can't remember what for.

I can't really describe what I feel right now with any perfect picture. There's that feeling of being stuck in a strange state, in a strange motel room with no working air conditioner and a weird smell. The sheets are starchy and the TV only shows fuzzy lines. You're wearing day-old clothes, and don't have a spare set. A jet soars lazily overhead and you're hit by a wave of warm dry air as you stare out into the uneventful horizon. Uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in my own skin.Uncomfortably boring. 

This is probably why each days seemingly takes an eternity.

Another day, another silly note.