"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it." -Jonathan Davis
Good fight today Churchill.
Busted out the water bottle and rolled-up newspaper; currently the flea-bag is cowering beneath the couch. For how long? No clue.
At least this is a moment of postponement-- the upswing.
I may be beaten and bruised. I may be cowering in fear tomorrow, but today is a win. It's a lot harder to write about positive emotions than negative ones. Everyone wants to complain these days; myself included. I'm not sure if it's that I finally feel like I'm kicking this summer cold, the pleasant cocktail of happy-pills I'm downing, or a combination of everything-- It's a good hour to be Brett Hamre. My muscles still ache from my attempts to wear myself out of depression through exercise Monday night. That's a good thing- that means I'm doing something right. I hope anyway.
I noticed something today about myself that I have always done and don't want to do anymore. I've always censored my faith in God and thanking him around my non-Christian friends. Maybe this is to spare them of awkwardness? Maybe this is so I don't alienate anyone? I'm going to make a concentrated effort to stop that. It always feels better when I talk about God having my back. I like imagining that there is some higher calling for me and some greater purpose for these hands and heart.
No Bible-thumping here, but in these moments I just inherently know there is a greater power out there.
Remember this Self, when you read this and you're in one of your funks. There is hope. This is hope right here. This is love and life and mushy gushy gooey feelings. Don't forget about these good moments.
Elation. Delight. Jubilation. It's all here. No snake oil though, no false promises or fancy cures. Gotta keep fighting because the war is far... far from over.
I can not write enough and thank enough for the outcry of support from people out there. Going through this or not. You're out there dealing with your own lives, and own problems, but care enough to reach out and see how I am. Sometimes when I'm lost in that gloomy maze I take everyone and everything for granted. I can't promise that I'll never do that again. I am just a human. Flawed. Imperfect. Human.
If you're in the place I was in last night, and even into this morning. You know these words seem hollow. Impossible. Fiction! Absolute fiction! That's where you're wrong though.
When you're in the suck there isn't much you can do to stop the bombing. The constant shelling of negative thoughts and emotions. Emotional shellshock.
Know that I'm nothing special.
It'll be your turn for this feeling soon enough--
you just have to survive the air raid. So find your proverbial desk, cower, and protect your vitals.
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