July 1st, 2013 [Part Duex]

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
                                                                                                             -Laurell K. Hamilton

Desperate to escape this boredom. This constantly struggling to fill my brain with thoughts and actions. Nothing seems to work tonight. Nothing seems to quench that thirst. I feel like that man in the old 'Got Milk?' commercial. He eats the most delicious chocolate chip cookie in what appears to be heaven; but there is no milk in the fridge to satiate that thirst. Desperately looking for that feeling of fun... hell, any emotion.

I've had the same dream for two weeks now. Every night, same thing; when I finally manage to grasp that elusive sleep. I thought it was a sign from God at first.

Wrong.

There are no signs, at least not right now, not to me. Only my brain telling me what I want to hear. Another method that this animal has added to his arsenal to torment me. False hopes. False promises. Lies. Barks ringing with deceit. I keep reaching out, feeling as though there is some Disney movie ending to my tale. To one day have the clouds part and the sun shine through. That day very well may be coming; I just can't see it right now.

I have to say, that has got to be the hardest part of this perpetual struggle with this damn mutt. These glimmers of hope that never seem to really last. Always worming my way out of the submission hold only to find myself right back face down in the dirt.

I will house break you. You bastard.

Sure, I may not believe what I currently type; but maybe if I say it enough I'll believe it. "Fake it 'til you make it." Maybe with enough false hope I can fool myself into thinking I've got a chance here. Every single minute feels like it's the last minute before the bell rings for summer break. That second hand is perpetually stuck at 2:59:59. The digital clock flashing 12:00. Time doesn't pass with any sort of certainty to me. I look at the clock; thinking I've managed to make it through the majority of the day only to find that it's still before lunch, sometimes even breakfast.

Life shouldn't be like this. Life should be wishing for more time; not shaking the hourglass to make it run faster. 

Every part of me wants to be out and about. I want to meet new people. I want to meet new girls. I want to put myself out there and see if I'm worth loving again--- see if I can love again. I'm just so self-defeating. You'd think the effort it would take one man to just say "Hello, my name is Brett!" would be pretty insignificant. It's almost like climbing a mountain for me right now. It's looking at the ocean and wondering if you could swim across with just some water wings.

Let's see if I can fend this monster off until the morning. Tomorrow is a new day... even though it's only 8:02 now.