Wednesday, July 10, 2013

First Thing

"Morning without you is a dwindled dawn." -Emily Dickinson

The first punch in the morning is always comes from the gap in my heart. That's honestlyalways the first thing I feel in the morning. The greater longing and needing of the piece missing that I know is supposed to be there.

Blah blah. You're hopelessly over your head for her Hamre.

I spend the first hour of the day preparing for that fight. Draping that piece of me in thick armor; gripping a tarnished and beaten shield to prevent more damage. I prepare mentally for that before even leaving the comfort of the sheets. Before splashing water on my face or brushing my teeth; I have to put my guard up. Knowing I have to wade through the bloody battlefield for a chance for a future at the other side of the valley.

Romanticized ideals and dreams serve as my chain mail. The philosophy of stoicism provides me with my banner.I'm beating the depression. That war is still being waged off to the east, but it's looking favorable for us. The enemies forces are dwindling and their supply line is effectively cut. Each and every day that I begin to realize the long assault is finally subsiding for a while... the more I become resolute in my motives and purpose on this emotional theatre of war.

The strangest thing about this fight; is that it isn't even a fight against any normal barrier. It's a fight against time and patience. It's playing the waiting game. Casting your dice and waiting for the result. I'm at the mercy of the cosmos ladies and gentlemen and it's absolutely infuriating.

 ---------------Intermission---------------

The tone has changed from this morning. I'm just human; I'm allowed to be upset. How can I be so hopelessly lost in what I think is absolutely stunningly pure... I just don't get if this is some sort of grand cosmic joke? Why make me feel like giving my all but not allowing me to do so. Why enter me in a 10k and take away my legs? Analogy. Analogy. Analogy.

I know what I want to feel, what I do feel, but not what I'm supposed to feel. If that makes any fucking sense.

I'm growing sore and tired from this. The constant struggle drains everything around me. I can only get pushed down so many times before I just can't summon the strength to get back up. I'm completely aware of my ups and downs; last night I could have had a fist fight with a Great White Shark on a cocaine bender and lived to tell the tale.

Whilst today, this moment, I wave the white flag and wait for the next opportunity; if it ever decides to present itself- which I'm seriously starting to doubt. 

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