A New First Thing

“I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane.”

- John Green, Looking for Alaska

The Head.

I spent last night drinking UV Cake and Cola. I had a great time just bullshitting with good people. Despite waking up this morning to a chewed smartphone; the first thought I had was- this day is beautiful. 

You can't imagine what that's like. Waking up and feeling comfortable in your own skin for the first time in what seems like an eternity. Not thinking about anything else first... for the first time in three+ years. Me waking up and not thinking about one damn thing other than the warm sun on my face. Not having to run myself through a battery of mental exercises to just crawl through the day. It's about being excited to accomplish anything or NOTHING today. Being excited to just fucking be me.

This is the first time that I actually feel like I'm winning this duel. I'm beating it. Take that you evil good-for-nothing hound. I've felt shreds of this happiness before; "glimmers" if you will.

Nothing this strong.

Nothing this solid.

It's not as much of a release to talk about the happy moments. That's human nature I suppose. We all just want to stew in our own sadness; at least that's what I was like for a long while there. Probably will be again, but lets not count on that today.

The Heart.

Yeah, my love is still there. That will never go away. It's evolved into something much different almost right before my eyes. [Pokemon reference.]  It's kind of like getting cold water splashed on your face to wake up. EUREKA! Yeah, I still get butterflies every time I think about it. Yeah, I'm still hopelessly head over heels, but saying these words over and over again doesn't do anything to help the situation. I can keep yelling at the weather to change, but it won't. It's not about lacking the urge to express myself or still feeling those ushy gushy feelings. It's not about shutting down the romanticized ideals and shutting off the constantly thinking of ways to express those. It's about realizing it takes two. I will always have these forces that drive me toward that future for myself, because I still want that. It's about coming to my senses and realizing that I'm also worth effort. 

I can't keep wasting this energy and effort on this; even though I still really want to. It's not really giving up as it is tackling the problem from a different angle. I've done more than enough to show the quality of person I am. I'm not going to stop being who I am, but I'm not going to settle for less than I'm worth either.