Hopeless Romantic

" I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen."
                                                     - Lloyd Dobler ['Say Anything' 1989]

Time to air out a little more dirty brain-laundry e-neighbors and friends.I miss my best friend. 

I'm hopeless. The only thing that shuts the thoughts up in my head is to throw them out there for everyone to see. Write some strange strings of words and phrases in hopes of adequately portraying the messy chalkboard that is my manic thought process. I only wish I was a better writer.

I've been far too closed off my whole life. Shut down; not exposing myself to the pain of failure and subsequently the joys of success. Everyone but my closest of friends knows me as pretty much 'Cynical Asshole Smartass.' Some of you may even find me funny (you're wrong. Heh.) 

Yeah, that's me partly; but that's not all of me.

I'm a fucking hopeless romantic. HOPELESS. Use whatever term to find that fits. Chump? Pansy? Push-over? I care too much. The thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis for pursuing love. That driving force that causes me to wake up every morning wondering if she's actually okay. Did she have a good night? Is work treating her right? Tickets to Paris, staring at the stars, touring Europe--- the world, taking spontaneous weekend trips to places picked at a whim; stupid memory making events and gestures of adoration constantly spin in my head---with no one to give them to. 

That's who I am. I'm the romantic. That guy you hate in the romantic comedy cause it's just so damn CHEESY. Those make me cringe too. Stone cold me, but I like that about myself. And that's not just true for her.

That's about all my friends. How did their job interview go? How did they confront that person they were dreading? Not romantic crap, but just concerned about general well-being. I usually just release those ideas and thoughts and forget about it. People in my life tell you to focus on you! Focus on yourself and your well-being. That's totally valid, totally. I agree.

That's where my conflict starts. Outside sources telling you to turn right, inside forces telling you to turn left. Which do you place your trust in? When I'm told to place myself as my highest priority-- that just isn't how I'm wired. I'm a blender. I don't make toast. I blend things.

This whole process of finding out who I am has been enlightening. Yeah yeah.. take care of my mental and physical health, but what I love about myself is the people I care about. What point is it to work for all the wealth in the world if you have no one to buy things for? Why learn all there is to know without teaching others that information? All we have in this world is out relationships. 

I told a friend yesterday that when you're on your deathbed; you won't ask for your trophies or diplomas. You don't want to see this physical things that mean nothing in the end. You want to see your friends and family. You want to share that last image on Earth of the people that shared life with you. That's important. Relationships are important. So I stuff these feelings once more for another day. No contact. No contact. It's what needs to happen.

Mettle; show it you schmuck.