July 5th, 2013

"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."
                                                          -Helen Keller

Desperation today. Lowest low. I can't... there are no words-- No words in any language that can describe the anguish I was in. Pushing friends and family away, kicking and screaming. I was a child throwing a tantrum.

"Pull the plug already!" 

I felt like I was on my death bed. I said DO NOT RESUSCITATE dammit. Just let me go. Let me die. Just stop fighting for me, because I'm tired of fighting for myself. I'm tired of the daily grind; mining for scraps of happiness. My fingers are blistered from digging. My eyes are red with soot and tears. Just let me stop. This is torture. I'm putting in my two-weeks notice.

I think it's important you understand the desperation I was in even if it may not cast myself in the most flattering light. It's important to know the details so that if you have another loved one in your live that goes through this you can perhaps understand and help them better. 

Thud. Thud. Thud. 

I was on my knees. Tears streaming down my face. Snot not doing anything for my complexion. Here I sulk in the back yard of my parent's house. 

Thud. Thud. Thud.

I'm driving my fists into the ground. I don't know why. I'm having a panic attack? Perhaps.  

Thud. Thud. Thud.

I continue to pummel the same spot. There is no logic or reason, there is this only this force to feel something, anything. I will continue this until I come to some form of numbness where the emotions all stop. The world stops and the darkness lifts again. Numb.

Depression is scary. Depression is real. You have loved ones in your life going through what I'm going through. It's like a secret society that you know about, but can't join. Only members can feel this way. You may be aware of the secret door; but you don't know the password and handshake.

There is no mantra you can repeat to lift this sorrow. There are no friendly gestures you can rely on to grant peace. Only time. Only time shows the light again. You can pray to whatever deity you like, grit your teeth, scream at the sky- this doesn't matter. In this moment you are a slave to it. I don't care if you're the strongest demigod in the universe. You are a slave to this. Just like I am a slave to this moment.

Loved ones can remind you of better days, they can tell you you're going to make it through- and you are going to. In that moment though, these people are liars. The reaffirming words they repeat seem half-assed and fake. If you're trying to help someone out of a situation like this don't hold the way they act against them. Give space, but don't give up. 

I sorely lashed out at the person trying to help me in this moment. This wasn't me. This wasn't Brett. I was possessed.

I can't reiterate enough how much of a slave us mopey folk are to this shapeless cloud. The more people suffering from this that I interact with an talk to; the more I believe what I suffer from is tangible and real. I'm not just faking it. Moments like this.. they're hell on Earth. 

Explaining these feelings are truly like trying to explain colors to a blind person. The smartest scholar in the world can't adequately describe them. If you care about the victim here you can't let what they say hurt you or cause you to waver in your resolve. It takes a true loving friend to help another through this moment. You have to be strong enough for the both of you; because Lord knows I wasn't.

I just happened to have a true loving friend close by. Thank God. 

If me suffering this helps at least one soul out there... I'm willing to be the social pariah/mascot of this disease. I'm willing to bare my thoughts and feelings and be looked at in odd ways. 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again- you are not alone. 

..and I'm saying that as much for you as I am for myself.