July 9th, 2013

"He who wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper."                    -Edmund Burke

Everyday I can feel myself getting stronger. It's a little easier to cope with this battle and what life throws at me.

Everyday I know more and more what I'm meant to spend time and effort pursuing. She's still at the forefront of my mind. She's always cutting in front of the line. Queue up Eye of the Tiger; cause it's that point of the flick where the protagonist needs a montage.

This is where I get completely confused. The plot becomes muddy and disorienting. I get these bursts of clarity and motivation to move forward and do something about it, but I'm grounded in reality. I look at the roster of participants in my life and the circled, bold, underlined name is missing. Most of the people that signed up to come on this field trip are already waiting in the bus and packed their lunches. 

This is no longer the fight with depression of overcoming self doubt. This has become about realizing what's worth fighting for with greater conviction than ever before. Wanting to jump in head first, ready and prepared to take that leap of faith... just stuck waiting.

I feel like I've gotten everything prepped and ready to go, but the bus doesn't have gas. That one thing it needs; the keystone to the castle, the lynchpin in the foolproof heist. This is especially hard because I have genes that make me want to fix things. DNA that makes me pick up trash and wipe off smudges, straighten products on store shelves; that 'OCD' type stuff. It's seeing a broken or fractured anything and wanting to fix it; to give it its true purpose back.

Today I believe that, in the end, I will indeed be fine. I really will. There are storm clouds out there in the distance, but I'm not afraid of getting a little wet. It's really a fight about realizing what you need and what you want. I want to go fisticuffs but no one will let me in the ring. Let me at 'em! Don't hold me back!

What do I do? What would you do? What do I do?  

Every book I pick up on a whim always seems to strengthen my resolve and reaffirm my beliefs. An example recently being "A Philosophical Inquiry into the Origin of our Ideas of the Sublime and Beautiful" by Edmund Burke. Brilliant.

I hope that if you haven't found that spark that ignites your passions you will. Whether you're 15 or 85, it's out there for you- if it's a hobby or passion to pursue, a place to visit and conquer, or a damsel to save. I know what mine is. I just can't do anything about it, yet.

This is all a test of patience it seems... and I just wish I had crammed before this exam.